Saturday, May 07, 2005

Open Letter to the ULA

You guys think you are such rebels but none of you has the guts to write an entire book on toilet paper in your own blood, so I just laugh at you and your fancy diplomas from the Devry Institute.

Freezing in the woods in winter, I have never spent one minute thinking about this Dave Eggbeaters or Sven Birkenstock or whoever it is you people are so in love/hate with that you just CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT what a good time they must be having. You are desperate to have them think about you, too. This is sad. If you'd ever spent a Michigan winter scratching yourself in a huddle with your pack, you'd know what real suffering is. The fact that Dave Eggbeaters makes fun of you as pathetic losers is not the hardest thing in the world.

Besides, he has a point. You guys can publish your booklets and cheer each other on, and make all the threatening noises you want. The fact is that nobody cares. And you know this. Either that or you will find out really soon. You are a conspiracy of the talentless, but you don't even have the talent to organize that halfway decently.

So by all means print your little "writings" and tell each other what big bad motherfuckers you are. It makes no difference to anyone. You aren't changing anything. And deep down inside you know that. Underneath the part of you that is desperate to think otherwise, there is the part that knows what I am saying is true, and that you are wasting your time, and that the only people glad to see your work are the folks at Kinkos who get your money.

Do you know why the folks with their cars up on blocks don't read contemporary novels? It has zero to do with the novels themselves. It's because American Idol is on.

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